I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
She told me I was absolutely not allowed to sleep with him even though she knows I'm a rule breaker who loves a good challenge.
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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