I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just replaced the batteries in my vibrator without turning on the lights. I need to get laid.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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