no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
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