He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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