Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I can feel you judging me through the phone.
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
As gay men are we obligated to learn the Single Ladies dance.
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I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
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Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
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