Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
He does impressions. Handy knowing you can get fucked by one guy and pretend a group of celebrities is running a train on you.
Randomize
