I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.
our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.
Seriously my only wish tonight is to be at the club in a sombrero w my shirt off pouring tequila on bitches titties
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
