Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
well it can jab him in the chin so I am 100% sure he can suck his own dick
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
I woke up on the damn lawn again...it's not even summer yet
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