i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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