I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Honestly after an incomprehensible political rant yoga seems like the best option at 2 am
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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