It's a miracle Ok Typing texts toYou right now
I looooooove Saturdays!!!!!!!
I am absolutely hammered
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures
And then god smiled down upon me and he said let there be hangover food and let it be Wendy's
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
