I served up a girl her first a2m the other day. You would have been proud.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
If I die, sorry about rent.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
Randomize
