you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
the fact that we had sex in the dining hall makes it seem so much more like home.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
Randomize
