M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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