Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
You took a bar mat shot.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
My ninety day supply of adderal just came in the mail and I literally just dumped all 180 pills into my hands and laughed like a maniac. Shits about to get cray
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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