Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Randomize
