There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
