dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
I suggest absurd amounts of masturbation this weekend to build up the necessary calluses
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Randomize
