I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
