this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Randomize
