if only i could text you this smell
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Randomize
