So drunk its hurt
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
I wanna eat mushrooms and cuddle with a million dogs at once. I wanna know what heaven is like
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
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