i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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