Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Yeah, I probably scared him away when I drunkenly told him we'd have beautiful children
Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.
I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
But you can still look for dick after you find Jesus.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Randomize
