I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Randomize
