you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
I fill condoms, not promises.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Randomize
