This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I met her at the quidditch match. She was the snitch and I caught her. After at the bar she walked up grabbed my hand and said snitches have flesh memories.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
Randomize
