oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Suck a a big bag of reindeer cock bud. Sent from church. See you in hell
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
School starts Thursday. Don't fling yourself out of the car to throw up screaming "classy" before I park this time.
It's a new year.
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Guy running next to me at the gym is judging me. I think he can smell the whiskey leaking out of my pores.
Randomize
