We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
