how ive managed to spend 100$ at an open bar is beyond me.
i'm naked playing bejeweled blitz in your bed. this is both a forewarning and an apology
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
She just causally held my limp dick in her hand the entire movie. Her parents were cuddling on the couch too..that brave!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Randomize
