i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
Randomize
