Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
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