Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Randomize
