I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
When he mumbled "I can't feel my legs," proceeded to stand, fall over, and just lay there I knew I'd given great head...
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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