so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
The power of the half flaccid cock, and to think, I thought I was just playing accordion in front of her Vagina!
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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