u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
On a scale from 1-10 how wrong is it to request "I Hit It First" at my ex's wedding reception?
Definite 12.2 but worth it.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
