I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
I wonder if i passed any courses from last semester
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I need a job that does not involve working with people who wear animal costumes when they get fucked.
This woman at the blackjack table is sitting on a pile of newspaper so she can pee at her seat and never miss a hand.
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Randomize
