During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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