I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
Randomize
