Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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