The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
You told him you loved him!?
I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Randomize
