theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
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