i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.
i dont this its possible to queef on command.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Last two new years I ended in jail by 12. Can we wait until its actually 12:02 this time to do something stupid. I'd like to spend the first minute of 2012 free.. At least.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Randomize
