I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Probably yeah. I mean maybe one day we can be those friends that hang out naked. Not awkard at all.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
This girls ass literally just fell out of her jeans in front on me on the escalator. Going commando on a Monday morning is a bold move.
Randomize
