At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Just received a visit from the Ghost of Bad Decisions Past. Kind of weird 90% of the flashbacks happened in the same sixteen month span, the rest happened at Taco Bell.
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
My manager is trying to help me find a good career path, and I'm trying to find a professional way to tell him I just wanna smoke and fuck.
Randomize
