What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
pop tarts are not kleenex
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
We're too hungover to prance.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Randomize
