All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Randomize
