I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
It's gotten to the point that when I close my eyes to cum all I see is candy crush
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
