I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
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