someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Dude, this guy showed up with a 40 and stayed for two days. I want that lack of responsibility
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He skipped an important family function with his dying father to fuck me. Terrible human, amazing fuck buddy.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
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