Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
Okay the common myth about putting tampons in you nostrils for a nose bleed is busted. It just starts coming out through your throat.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Wait is this black Chris #1, cocaine Chris, or gay Chris?
No this is saxophone Chris
My vagina is officially offended.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Just woke up beside some twink in a kilt.. how is your sunday going
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