he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Dude she pregamed for her sorority's philanthropy.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It actually wasn't the first time that a guy I just met ate me out in the back seat of his car in a starbucks parking lot in the middle of the day.
Randomize
