I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
I'm more concerned with the fact that he was UNconcerned that live poultry could peck him in the nutsack @ any moment of sex
Oh, and i love you too. Im just a selfish dick who had to talk about myself first
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
