Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I told him he can't put it there till we're exclusive. That's totally The Relationship Hole.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
Dont act like I'm the only one that gets on a plane and picks out the one im gonna have fuck if we have time before the crash
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
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