So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Randomize
