my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
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