remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Saved a life and got us a free vacuum cleaner (and learned vacuum is not spelled "vacumn"). Get on my level.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
