I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
