So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
Christopher Columbus didn't sail the ocean blue so I would have to go to class and not have sex with my boyfriend
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Well when you come back we can have a huge bitch fit...or get really drunk....whichever comes first
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize
